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Sunday, April 28, 2024

CV joints

         It is a Friday morning in late April. I sit here in the shade, waiting on the mechanics to set right my car again.  This shop is open-air, and so there is a strong cooling breeze blowing here in the shade.  We are having an early and persistent summer this year.  The land, the river, everything is drier than I have ever seen it.  This intense heat is burning up everything.  At this altitude, getting out of the sun means finding a cool temperature.  And so, I don’t mind waiting for my rear tires to be looked after.

               These days I find myself driving the hour to Durango every week, and back.  I have found a therapist who uses magnets in the ear to relieve pain and stress.  She changes them every week, fine tuning the treatment.  It is amazing the relief I get from these treatments.  However, all these kilometers on the car have uncovered a flaw.  The rear tires are so badly aligned that new tires wear out in a year; strips of steel band are exposed on the inside of the tire.  Last week I stopped at the Pemex/Oxxo station a few miles outside of Durango, on my way home.  A bunch of gentlemen were gathered there, taking a break.  Judging by their camo outfits, I thought they might be Guardsmen returning from an exercise.  I could be wrong, there was no standard uniform amongst them.  If I had encountered them on the highway in Montana, I might have thought them on a hunting trip.  Before I had gone a few steps towards the door to the Oxxo, they called to me.  My tire was flat!  A few of us gathered around it.  Was it a puncture, or something more serious?  The guy feeling around the inner edge of the tire recoiled his hand; it was pricked by something sharp.  Sure enough, the one-year old tire had worn through.  We checked the other side; same thing, just not flat yet. 

               They rallied to the call, gathered around, found a jack and a tire iron, and set to putting on my ‘temporary’ tire.  They advised me to drive very slowly on the way home.  I grabbed my ice cream bar from inside Oxxo and set out on my long journey home, going 40 MPH with flashers lit.  As I diligently attended to this dangerous journey, I reflected that I had given the men kudos, thanking them as heroes, but had offered no monetary reward.  Honestly, sometimes I wonder where my head is at.

               On the journey home I called my favorite used-tire guy, a friendly old codger just a few doors down from the Aurrera Bodega.  He rallied to get in the car and come help me.  Wow.  I explained that I was still coming on my own steam, and asked if he could find me a couple of tires while I was on my way to him. 

               My angels were ever so faithful to me, and so I arrived safely to the used-tire shop in Canatlan.  I pulled the only chair out of the back of the shop and onto the sidewalk.  The late afternoon sun was behind the building, so I sat in the shade and played backgammon on my phone for the time it took him to put on my two new used tires.  These, too, were an off-brand, and so would wear out in a matter of months if I did not fix the problem.  Sometimes he can find me a set of slightly worn Michelin’s, but this was not one of those times.  It is just as well, since without getting the rear end aligned, again they would be shredded in no time.

               Here I am, faced once again with the basic problem of life in a backwater like Canatlan.  It is filled with jacks of all trades, but master of none.  Where can I take my car for this repair?  I had no way to know if someone happened to be experienced in this task.  I wanted to take it to Durango, relying on my friend Oscar to guide me to a reliable shop.  However, Oscar is a busy landlord of many properties, and never did come through for me.  I took the car back to the very same place where I bought this last set of tires, a year ago.  I do not remember if I bought these new tires before, or after my car rolled over on the highway in January, 2023.  Did the problem with the rear tires crop up after that accident?  Did the awful man who was tasked with rebuilding the frame of my car swap out my good CV Joints with faulty ones, making a profit while he kept me in limbo without a car for five months?  Or, when the new tires were put on, did this tire shop simply not do a thorough check, putting new tires on an old problem?  At this moment, there are three young men clustered around the rear end of my car, looking up at the situation from the well.  I can only hope that among them there is enough know-how to find the problem and fix it.  One can hope.

               During the few short months that Christine, from Canada, spent with me at Luz de Compasion, through her online research,  she introduced me to the many hot springs in the area.  Now I try to go weekly to the one outside of Durango, not far from the farm where is the new owner of my beloved horses.  That is, the horses are there; he lives in a nice house in Durango proper.  Caretakers live on the farm, replacing me as their herd. At the spa, I met a group of retired people who seemed to all speak English.  In particular I had a long conversation with one gentleman, Jose.  Subsequently, I tried to make my visits to the spa on Wednesdays, hoping to see him again.  I’ve gone perhaps four times, but have not seen him or them again, except for one gentleman who wears a prosthetic leg, and comes diligently for water exercises.  I spend an hour soaking in the heat, and doing exercises to loosen up my damaged leg and hip.  I think this workout is doing some good, and along with the magnets in the ear, I have hope that I can get back maybe 90% of use of that hip.

               I get the news after inspection; the rear cannot be aligned as is, but requires a part.  This part must be ordered from somewhere far off, and so I await the news of when it can arrive.  Tomorrow, next week; as long as it is before my next trip to Durango.  These are the things that make me go over budget; my pension is just not enough.

               And here comes the news.  The parts are very expensive, and then there is the labor.  Not counting the new tires I’ll have to buy on my next trip to Durango’s WalMart, that bite is $5,000 pesos.  At the current unfavorable exchange rate, that comes to almost $400 US, almost half my monthly pension.  The cost of the new tires should bring it to over the top, beyond the 50% point.  That is not good news.

               Speaking of Christine, she should be flying out on her journey homeward this week.  During her time here, against my advice, she adopted a dog.  She said she wanted to take the dog back to Canada with her.  We discussed what had to be done to do that.  She knew she had to take the dog to the vet and get required paperwork; nothing more than ordinary shots.  In fact, we had gotten the dog spayed, and it may even be that nothing more was needed than the signature of the vet.  However, Christine never did this.  Meanwhile, the dog wound up back at Luz; and now she is mine.  That brings the total of indoor dogs to three.  Since one of those dogs is the neurotic Loki, who adopted me over his natal home a mile away, this is a bit much.  Her name is Betsy.  She comes with problems. 

               Although I enjoyed the company of Christine, she was getting restless.  Frankly, life here on the farm outside of town is boring.  She did not seem to like the TV shows I watched.  We played backgammon once on a makeshift board, but it wasn’t engaging enough for her to merit a second play.  She is marvelously gifted with plants, and so puttered about her house planting seeds, and finding cactus to root in pots.  After she left, I took the one tomato plant into my care, moving it to my porch and into a bigger pot.  With care, it has now grown quite tall and bears odd looking tomatoes, almost like grape tomatoes but longer.  The nascent stalks of cactus inspired me to start a cactus garden.  I used abandoned mounds of gravel and dirt outside the smallest house, and now have five of one kind and quite a few of an aloe vera and another very similar.   In time, these will all grow and fill out a nice five-foot square plot.  They will not die from lack of water, like all my other plants and trees.  They need water only twice a year.

There came an odor emanating from Christine’s house.  Over the weeks of her stay, it was growing stronger.  Just walking past the house, the odor permeated the very air outside.  I did not recognize it.  Was it the sewer? Was she putting something down the sink during her cooking?  Finally, I asked her to move into the other house while we figured out what it was.  I truly thought it might be toxic.

               This brought things to a head, and within a couple of days she packed up what little she had and asked me to drive her to a motel in town.  Betsy went with her.

               One day a few weeks later, while leaving the Aurrera Bodega with my groceries, I saw Betsy lying outside the store.  When she saw me, she went bonkers with joy, followed me to the car and hopped in to join Loki and Junior.  I went back inside to look for Christine.  I did not see her.  I started to drive away, but thought I might need to make a second look.  I didn’t want to think that Christine would knowingly abandon Betsy.  I drove back to the supermarket, parked, and did another walk-through.  I did not see Christine.  And so it was that Betsy is living with me again.  One day shortly after, all three dogs were lying on the bed while I watched afternoon television.  Suddenly I heard squealing, barking, scrambling of claws on the floor.  Betsy had fallen off the bed, broken her leg, and Loki went berserk peeing everywhere.  I had to take her to a dog orthopedist in Durango; her healing was trying, and expensive.  It was, at least, a clean break and did not require an operation.  Still, keeping it fixed and immobile while it healed was very problematic, and expensive.  Canatlan is just not equipped for more than the simplest veterinarian needs. [1] Betsy pulled off one bandage after another.  I took her to a local vet, who put on a cast and elaborate wrappings, for an exorbitant price considering that Betsy pulled it all off again in a day.  The vet had put a collar on her, which could have helped, except that the collar was the wrong size, wrapped too tightly about her head so that she had no visibility. She was frantic; I had to pull it off.

               Within weeks, I started noticing that smell again, this time in my house!  The problem stems from Betsy.  She has preferred to spend her time inside, in fact, on my lap.  She never seemed to need to go outside to pee.  I got out the mop and Pinesol, and magically the smell was gone.  Interestingly, I found Christine to be an immaculate house cleaner.  I do not understand how she could have allowed Betsy’s urine to accumulate in her house so.  But there it was.  Mystery solved.  Now Betsy must live outside, in the doghouse. 

               When I returned yesterday from my weekly treatment in Durango, I did not see Betsy.  I carried the groceries in with two trips, while the dogs were jumping in and out of the car.  I had left them home alone all day, and they were a bit exuberant at my arrival.  After the last trip, I left the rear door open; I forgot about it, and in the morning saw it was still open.  I needed two trips this morning to bring my computer and a chair into the car for the visit to the new tire shop, where the alignment was to take place.  Once there, I saw black-haired Betsy lying down on the floor of the back seat.  Now she lies beside me, as I sit here in the shade typing.  What am I to do with this dog?  Does the malodorous urine indicate that she is ill?  Her leg is almost healed now; she is beginning to put weight on it.  She seems to display no other indication of an internal illness, except for her lethargy.  I just found an engorged tick sucking on her lip, but that can’t account for this long-term smelly urine.  Since the Orthopede’s xray revealed that she has arthritic hips, I presumed that she was an old girl, and that accounted for the broken bone and her lethargy.  But I am told, not so.  She is only about three years old.  Some breeds, I am told, are prone to arthritis.  This was told me by a middle-aged veterinarian here in Canatlan, whom I found to be a bit full of herself.  I know that some large dogs, like retrievers and maybe German Shepherds, do tend to go lame in the hind quarters at around ten years.  I have never heard of a breed that gets geriatric hips at age three or four years.  Learn something new every day?  I still take this Vet’s opinion with a grain of salt.  Consider this.  About three weeks after Betsy broke her leg, after all my failed efforts to wrap the broken bone, I took her to this veterinarian trusting that she could succeed where I failed.  She called the clinic in Durango to get a copy of Betsy’s x-ray, without which, she said, she could not wrap the leg.  I offered to draw her the x-ray image, but she insisted she needed the x-ray from Durango.  She called.  She did not give my name nor Betsy’s; she only said that a foreigner brought in a dog with a broken leg.  The x-ray she received on her phone was clearly not Betsy’s.  When I pointed that out to her, she just shrugged her shoulders, dismissing me as a source of information.  This was not confidence-instilling behavior.  Yet, echoing what I said earlier, the competence level found in Canatlan leaves much to be desired.  Given all of this, I am at a quandary to know what to do with this dog and her stinky urine.

               The shop owner comes to me with the good news that he has found the CV joints, and that they are on their way from Durango.  There will be only a few more hours wait until the car is ready for me to drive off.  I get a ride back to town, where I can wait more comfortably until the car is ready.  My friend Lupita, in spite of all her own personal burdens, kindly leaves her job to pick me up and so I await at her place of work.  I can only hope that when the car is ready, the manager will call me and pick me up.  More likely, since we did not exchange phone numbers, I will take a taxi back there at the end of the day and ransom my car.

               The visit with Lupita raises an interesting opportunity.  This resourceful, hard working woman needs temporary help.  Although she is employed by the city of Canatlan as a cleaner, she somehow also has taken on responsibility for a tiny food shack on the grounds of the public park where twice a week vendors come to sell their goods.  I will learn how to prepare simple Mexican foods, like gorditas and zapatoes.  She will do the serious food prep the night before, and I will simply spend a few hours a day taking orders and assembling the simple dishes.  This will give her time to find another worker, one who will not steal from her as did the previous worker.  But that is a story for another day. 

              

 

 

              

 



[1] See elsewhere the story of how Patas Blancas nearly died from an open-air gelding procedure.

Tuesday, February 13, 2024

To love or not to love

 

To Love or not To Love

 

Some women seem to need love.  A woman married for decades suddenly becomes a widow.  I have seen, time and time again, how this woman quickly attracts another mate.  This is not my experience.

In my youth I felt strong connections, serially, to men.  I called this ‘love’.  It could not have been love, however, because it did not last, it was never unconditional.  The emotion or state of being that I call love comes with a strength that cannot allow it to die.  Yet here I am, at the end of my life, alone.  I still do not know what it feels like to ‘love’

Now you come into my life.  I met you on vacation, and that should have been the end of it.  You are there, I am here.  But you do not let it die.  You call me daily, and renew your hunger for me.  This must be Maya, an illusion.  What is in it for you?  I am an old woman, on the verge of death.  I cannot give you babies, I cannot be a good Housewife.  I am at best a casual housekeeper and a seasonal cook.  If you had my love for a lifetime, it would be short lived.  So why do you pursue me?

Most of my life I have worked hard to gain control over my emotions and imagination.  I see through transient alliances for what they are.  I do not confuse them for the real thing, and so I hold back and protect my heart lest it break, once again.  No more!

You say you want ‘an experience’ with me.  That is a new one on me, what is ‘an experience’?  It is easy for me to sit here, miles away, and see your sweet face filled with love, and imagine that there could be more.  The Wise Woman in me reminds me constantly that this is merely an illusion.  Your words and sentiments are incredibly sensitive and romantic.  You sweep me off my feet, making me believe that you cannot live without me. 

The cynic within me says, ‘yea, right’.

This is a time of turmoil, in my life.  It comes with stress.  The cherished house I built, the home I live in, the land I have come to love, has been sold.  I must move on in the next few months.  To start my life again?  Where?  Why must I?  How long must this alien existence go on?  I want to go home, to my spiritual domain, shedding the bonds and limitations of this flesh.  Will the last ten years of my life continue as the previous eighty?  Alone, fending for myself, fierce intelligence protecting me from the world that is out there, each soul demanding its own, willing to give little of protection and love in return.

Now you come along, creating the illusion that at last someone has come into my life who wants to protect me, to take care of me, to lift from my shoulders the nearly unbearable weight of this self-protecting life.  Am I to fall back upon my youthful optimism and trust, the pattern of giving and getting transient ‘love’ in return?  Do you offer me one last, ultimate, heartbreak?  Is that cruelty, or a blessing?  Is it true, ‘it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’?  Isn’t that a loser’s lament?

Now we get to the word ‘love’.  It has taken on broad meanings over time.  There are many kinds of love, as the Greek language has shown us. 

Is it better to have had the love of a child, and then lost it, then never to have had a child at all?  No, I can say from experience, that offers a life time of pain.  Pain of separation, pain of feeling condemnation, of being not enough, of somehow abandonment and betrayal.  One could live happily without knowing this kind of love and loss.

There is paternal love, love of ones parents.  That comes with so many pitfalls.  Are we closer to one than to the other?  Buddhist philosophy tells us that at the moment of conception we are drawn in by attraction to one partner, which can then lead to jealousy of the other partner, setting us up for lifelong conflict.  Not all relationships are so easily defined, but in my case I think this may have been true.  I have felt very protective of my father, loathing my mother for her rough handling of him.  This has robbed me of feeling maternal love.  Even beyond death, my bond with my father remains strong.  I am still puzzled by the subtleties of maternal love.

There is fraternal love.  In a literal sense, that would mean love for and between my siblings.  I am blessed not to ever have been emotionally estranged from my siblings, but love for me has always come behind love for their partners, which is how it should be.  Having no partner myself, I often look to them for affirmation and loyalty, but that is not included in the ‘brotherly love’ package.  Spouse always comes before siblings, in my experience.

There is erotic love.  Through the years of cultural and social development, ‘maturity’ or perhaps more accurately, ‘decay’, I have seen the cultural confines of this kind of love loosen.  We live in an age of open pornography.  The nude body is flaunted everywhere we look, in films, in advertising,  in the flesh.  The privacy of the human body and sexuality used to evoke eroticism within the bonds of relationship.  Now it is open to the public, no modesty, no commitments needed.  Were we to allow ourselves the bonds of commitment and relationship, erotic love would be most private, most welcomed.  Erotic love is satisfying, deeply fulfilling, but not when it is cheapened by multiple partners in casual liaisons.  At least, that is my perception. 

Lastly, then, love such as is lacking in my life cannot be contained within ‘an experience’.  I have had a life full of experiences, adventures, and I do not crave more.  Now I crave alone melting into the eternal love and acceptance and glow that comes with death.  It is foolish of me to think that you could feel for me that committed love, that self-sacrificing love that puts the other first, that is ultimately loyal and continues growing until the final separation of death; and perhaps beyond.  You would have to be a highly realized spiritual being to go there.  As much as I feel your purity and sincerity, I see no evidence that you are that being.  You are still young, still looking to have experiences, to learn, to grow.  You did not come into this world to wait for our reunion, to continue a love that was kindled in other bodies.  I am enough of a romantic to imagine it could be so, yet the realist in me says that is a fantasy.

My sweet, sweet young man, I wish for you to find that love in a peer, so that you need not suffer the pain of separation too soon.  I wish for you an undying love that will hold you in its embrace for the rest of your life.  Do not squander your love on passing attractions.  Do not sully the purity of heart that I see in you now, by casual liaisons, or transient passions.

Know love, in all its forms, and do not give it away lightly where it will be betrayed.  Learn the difference, and know when to love and when not to love.  Ultimately, love is a gift, not a tool or a weapon.  I wish it for you in abundance.